Feb, 9

Wow. What a weekend this was. I thought it was going to be a quiet one but it was NOT.

It started out slow, Shane asked to come and see me I said yes. I miss him and we wanted to be friends. So he came over and hung out for a little bit with me and the kids. It was nice. Saturday he asked me a few questions that made me think he was ready to discuss what really happened to us so I asked him to come back and he did. We discussed what happened to ruin what we had and resulted in me asking him to leave. We both we sad but both glad to get it out. He informed me that he loves me and didn't realize how much until this past week how much he did and how much he had messed things up for us because of how he felt the need to exscape from everything.

He is currently detoxing from drugs and alcohol and smoking. His body is under so much stress from detoxing that he is in full panic attack mode. He was living at some friends house and feeling guilty or something about all that they have done for him but that he can't do anything to repay them back and so that wasn't helping. Saturday night he called me and asked if he could come back over. I said yes and he started to cry and I knew something was wrong. When he got here, he told me how his friend threw a fit over him wanting to be with me and told him it was the worst place for him because she was the one taking care of him not me. Well that wasn't because I didn't want to. It was because she wouldn't let me. I tried many times and go no where and he was so out of it that he couldn't tell her what he wanted or didn't want.

So after he gets here his mom called and he just started crying again, he couldn't talk he all but fell to the floor. She talked him out of his panic attack and got him to calm down, I hadn't seen him in a full blown attack and so I didn't know how to talk him out of them. I could hear her say they were on their way to get him, at first I was totally confused and thinking he had called them to come and get him but then came to me, but then she asked what she had called for and couldn't remember and then at the sametime I realized it, she said I guess I just had a feeling you needed me. They showed up and he couldn't even get out of the chair he was in his mom came in and talking him through it and got him to breath and he started to feel better. They took him home with them and told him that they thought it was best if he moved in with them for a while and he agree'd.

During Saturday's talk he had asked me why I never came to see him and I explained to him I couldn't come and see him because I wasn't welcome there and even if they told me I was welcome I didn't feel welcome and so Iwouldn't come see him. I let him know if he had moved to his parents I would have come to see him.

Sunday Shanes sister had a baby and we had made arrangments that I would babysit for her while she was in the hospital for the oldest. So when Shanes mom text me to let me know that the baby was born and the weight and all I congradulated them and asked how Shane was. So she called to let me know what that he handed over his phone to her the night before because he had to hang up on his friend. I went to dinner with my family and she (the friend) called me and got upset when she found out that I already knew. I tried to explain to her that I had other arrangements with the family and I just happen to ask about him but her comment was why do they call the ex girlfriend and not the one he is living with. I then told her that I don't think in their eyes I am the ex girlfriend I am just not the one he is living with at the moment and that didn't go over well. She continued to turn everything I said in to blaming me for what he is going through. I told her that I think the best thing for him right now was for both of us to let him go and let him decided what and who he needs or wants in his life. I have done just that. I don't text him unless he texts me. He calls me I don't call him. But she won't do that and I hate that she can't. I hate that she won't give him the space to heal the way he needs to. I hope that he has the strength to push her away so that he can heal and not have the guilt that she is putting on him.

He text me later in the evening and asked how I was doing. I told him good and that I talked to his friend he then called me and asked me what was said. I told him and he said that he can't believe he was so blinde to how much of a freak that she has become and that he was sorry for putting me though that. I told him not to worry about it to just worry about getting himself better so that he can move on with a happier and healthy life.

I suggested saturday that he had his dad give him a blessing to help me get through his pain and suffering that he is going through and he told me last night that when they got back to their house his dad gave him a fathers blessing and he said that it helped and then yesterday because his brothers had come to celebrate the birth they we able to help his dad give him another blessing. He said that he has never felt so spiritual as he had since that blessing. And that he felt that he had so much support behind him so he knew he could over come what he was going through. I was glad to hear that.

He told me how much he wants to be with me and that he wants to be sober for it all. I told him I'd just be happy with the person he was when I met him and he said that he could be better then even that person. I told him I couldn't wait to meet Sober Shane. He kept telling me how much he loved me and how much he appreciated that I was still here for him through this tough time. I told him that I loved him and that I could still see us sitting there when we are older and watching our grand babies playing. I feel that we are closer to each other now then we have been in a long time.

Ok. I have blabbered on long enough. that was such an eventfull weekend wasn't it. Glad it is over but really is it over!